On Letting Go

I’m not as tough as I like to make people think. I like to project the image of being small but scrappy; sure I might look like I’m 16 and I haven’t grown hardly at all since I was 12 but you still don’t mess with me. My tough exterior isn’t totally an act. I do generally say what’s on my mind and I have high standards for myself and for those around me. I do my best to treat others with respect and expect that same human decency to be reciprocated. It makes me gut-wrenchingly angry when I see vulnerable people being taken advantage of and I will respond if given the soap-box.

But I can take these natural qualities a step further, i.e., I take sick delight in people finding me intimidating. This is perhaps rooted in the fact that I know my intimidation factor is largely a result of things I can control–my physical self is doing absolutely nothing for me on that score. So when someone admits that they’ve found me intimidating in the past there’s this reaction of twisted glee, of “that’s right, I’m not limited by the body I was given.” I want to surpass everyone’s expectations for me, and man do I want to surpass my own.

The reality, however, is that these past few months have been kind of tough. As I’ve made the “real” transition to Grand Rapids (now that I am no longer living here because of school) I’ve felt deeply the loss of my Ann Arbor community. They’ll always be there, of course, and have been through my four years at Calvin, but there’s a sense of finality this time. I may not ever live in Ann Arbor again. So many people who have shaped me, taught me, loved me, cared for me, rejoiced with me, wept with me, spurred me on, are all over there, and my life is here. It hurts.

Against that backdrop, the daily messiness of relationships continues but I think I’m even more sensitive to it. Every slight just stings a bit more. I’m going to remain vague on those particular incidents because the pain of meanness or selfishness really isn’t my point. The hurt we can experience at the hands of other people doesn’t need embellishment or explanation; we’ve all felt it, caused it, witnessed it.

My natural reaction to these daily mishaps tends to be two-fold: first the claws come out and I fight back, and then I retreat into a shell. Fighting back is especially easy when I know I’m in the right, which I have been (doesn’t happen all the time, but sometimes it does). Retreating can take on various forms depending on my relationship with that person, but the result is always the same: me hiding behind my tough exterior while I’m really just curled up in a ball, weeping for what I’ve lost.

I’m trying to curb that instinct; I firmly believe that being vulnerable and letting people into your life is the best way to live. I also really don’t condone going into attack mode for most interpersonal conflicts. Obviously there are exceptions, but assuming that most of my audience is living lives pretty similar to my own (which may be a mistake but bear with me), there are more constructive ways to deal with day-to-day conflict with other people than tearing them down without hesitation. I recognize these things, I’m working towards them, but it’s a hard and lengthy process. And I can’t do it alone. So for those whose heads I’ve snapped off lately, I’m sorry. And for those who have felt the walls go up, please don’t stop trying to break them down. I’m in here, and I’m scraping my way back out one spoonful of dirt at a time.

Picture by Ellie Hutchison

 

On the Power of Words

This is one of those subjects that could fill books, and has. This is how my summer has felt: my mind wanders from endless subject to endless subject and I feel like there is always more that could be pondered, thought, or said. So hopefully it’s ok that I’m choosing to write just a few reflections; just know that I know this is merely a scratch on a very large surface.

Until this week I hadn’t posted in two months. Those months have flown by actually, filled with weddings and birthdays and everyday adventures. I’m working full-time now, too, which is way more time consuming and exhausting than people voluntarily admit. In so many ways this has been a summer dripping with the goodness and provision of God, as I have gotten to spend time with people I love and jump into this new chapter of my life.

And yet I often am finding myself at a loss for words. Which isn’t great when a huge part of your job depends on finding the right words to use. Friends from back home ask me how life in Grand Rapids is, or my housemates ask me how work is going and I freeze. I listen to and read local, national, and world news and I draw a blank. What is there to say that isn’t already being said? How can I use language to enrich the lives of people around me, to say something that is both truthful and insightful? My job is fine, but why? Grand Rapids is lovely in the summertime, but why? Wedding planning is the most exciting and stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life, but why?

There is so much noise in the world, so many people who talk just for the sake of talking. Words are tossed around like flakes in a snow globe, blurring reality and agitating emotions. It doesn’t help that we’re in an election year.

I don’t know the exact moment when I learned how powerful words could be, but I know it was a long time ago. My dad reads voraciously and has passed this on to my brothers and I. We have read so much as a family and as individuals, and are living proof of what reading can do to expand one’s vocabulary. Unfortunately that also means that we are especially skilled in using words as weapons. I don’t want to over-dramatize because our family is not especially riddled with conflict or anything, but when conflict arises in the normal course of life together we all have language in our arsenal. I have witnessed firsthand the power of language to humble, shame, ridicule, or defeat, and I have become an expert myself.

In light of all of these things, I often get overwhelmed by the immense damage we can do with our words. I fear the damage I have done and could do by speaking when I don’t have anything in particular to say. For every time I have consciously chosen to use words against someone else, I have subconsciously spoken or written just to draw attention to myself. Writing is my “thing.”

And yet.

Just because I have (and no doubt will continue to) used words poorly and for the wrong reasons at times doesn’t mean I should just quit using them all together. Welcome to the broken and the beautiful. As a Christian I believe that until Jesus returns, the broken and the beautiful will coexist. The broken may taint or even hide the beautiful, but Jesus promises that darkness will not win.

So those who follow Him are free to muddle through and say the wrong words sometimes and mistakenly fill sacred silence. Using language for the glory of God takes practice, especially in a world that provides so many examples of the opposite.

Yes, words have the power to break, to wound, to destroy, to weaken. But they also have the power to heal, to build, to empower, to strengthen. Our world needs more of these kinds of words, for silence cannot drown out hatred, and only light can drive out darkness.

On Things No One Tells You

It’s been a big couple months for me. I’ve graduated from Calvin and started a full-time job in my field of choice. I had to choose which benefits I was going to register for because I was actually offered benefits with my job. I bought a car, which means I bought auto insurance, registered and plated the car, and changed my residency to Grand Rapids, Michigan. Since June I have attended three weddings for my friends (as opposed to my parents’ friends), and I will attend three more weddings before getting married in May. This is adulthood apparently. And there are a number of things that no one really teaches you how to do unless you ask. So here’s just a few of the things I have been learning about being an adult. Hopefully I’ll spare some of you some stress in the process.

1. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Like I said, there are so many things no one teaches you directly about adulthood. That’s ok because most of us enter adulthood these days with a pretty good grasp on how to use the internet. So use it. So many answers are online, either through forums or through sites like the one above.
2. This is really just an example of my first lesson, but I really genuinely feel like it warrants its own bullet point. The Michigan Secretary of State has a website, and you can find just about all the information you might need for being a resident in this great state on said website. It’s not the prettiest website you’ll ever see, but looking past that is so worth it. I spent literally 30 min in the SOS at lunchtime yesterday getting my new car registered and plated, and switching my residency from Ann Arbor to Grand Rapids, which includes adding a change of address sticker to my license and requesting a new voter ID card. I waited for 10-15 minutes thanks to the “get in line online” feature that my local SOS offers and was very pleasantly cared for in another 10-15 minutes. Partly, this is major kudos to the Michigan SOS which has worked really hard over recent years to streamline their processes, but it really helped that I knew exactly what documentation they would need from me and what to expect because I’d read their online materials beforehand. There were no surprises.
3. You don’t owe it to anyone to purchase the services or goods they offer to sell you. Salespeople are really good at making you feel like you should buy what they sell, i.e., wedding gowns. That’s actually their job. But you owe them nothing besides the respect you owe to all members of the human race. Furthermore, even though it can feel like they want you to buy things even if you don’t need them, they really are there to serve you and you wasting money isn’t a service to you. So it’s ok to walk away if you have no need or no desire for what is being offered. I’m still working on being ok with this one.
4. Barnes and Noble has this feature on their website where you can reserve books online and just pick them up at the store. So if you know what book you want you don’t have to wander around the store trying to find it.
5. Loan servicers want you to think they have your best interests at heart but they don’t. Do the math on your loan repayment schedule. Don’t make payments that only go towards accrued interest. Ask someone for help setting up a realistic and less extractive loan repayment schedule if you can (quick shoutout to my fiance) so you aren’t paying absurd amounts of interest.
6. Everyone wants to give you advice about your life and lots of it will conflict. The guy I bought my car from gave me marriage advice while we were sitting in the Secretary of State office yesterday. Cause why not. To be fair, it was good advice. But also, everyone’s circumstances are different, so it’s ok that you don’t take every little piece of advice that comes your way.
7. Social drama doesn’t disappear when you become an adult. People are still selfish, you still take things too personally, and relationships are still messy. Everyone just has more candles on their birthday cakes.
8. It’s ok to prioritize some relationships over others. I work 40 hours a week. I go to bed by 10:30 almost every night, and am up by 6:30 every morning. When you factor in commuting, I don’t actually have that much free time during the week, and neither do my other working friends. This is going to sound harsh, but I don’t have enough time in my life to spend on toxic relationships. Toxic isn’t the same as difficult mind you–we all have people in our lives who sometimes require some extra attention. To me, a toxic relationship is one that is getting in the way of me becoming the person I’m supposed to be, not in a material sense but in an emotional and spiritual sense. It’s not about someone interfering with my ambitions–sometimes those need to be interfered with because they’re misaligned–but someone interfering with my relationships with God and with others. Who do I become when I’m around this person? Who am I after spending time talking or being with this person? I can be in the midst of a difficult relationship and yet find myself being increasingly grounded in my faith; the same doesn’t apply for a toxic relationship. It’s ok to walk away from a toxic relationship.
9. You will never have everything figured out. To some people it might seem like I really have my act together because I’m working full-time and just bought a car. I may have conquered those two peaks, but I’m just seeing the beginning of a whole mountain range of daunting decisions ahead. Wedding caterers. Apartment hunting. Furniture. Employment. Location. Dog breeds. Doctors. Dentists. And the list goes on. One day at a time I’m building my knowledge base, but as soon as I learn something new, I find out there are 15 other factors to take into consideration. Yay life.
10. People care less about what you do than you think. I asked like ten people (all of whom are dear friends) if they could see my shoulders shaking while I (a bridesmaid) was sobbing with joy at my best friend’s wedding. Not one of them was watching me during that wedding. Including my fiance. So just do what you gotta do to the best of your ability and the little slip ups along the way really won’t matter in the long run.

But seriously, adult life is overall pretty good. And I know I have it pretty good, too. So many things are falling into place, and I have an incredible support system in both Ann Arbor and Grand Rapids. I think I’ll do ok.